空。

告诉你再见，

并不是再不见，

而是想要再度地看见你……

 

31 Dec 2012 3:48am

失眠吗？不是……

我开始不怎么明白自我了。

明年大考来了，不能再像现在这样。

以后都不能陪大家一起玩，还有你……

不能陪你玩了……
不代表我放弃了，我只是停止了自己。


 我不明白我自己，
为什么我要去害怕我的未来，
为什么我会去在意我得到了什么。
在意自己是强还是弱。
如果是你，你应该会回答我，
因为你是人类，对吧？
那么，人类为什么会有感情……
如果伤心了，心就会痛。
开心了，所有的东西都会忘掉。
伤心……很难受的。
空虚的感觉，只有自己在承担，
只有自己背着自己在哭泣。
你会为我而紧张，我不哭……
你会自责，我也会感到自卑……
头好疼，夜深了，雨在下。
我，还是那么深深地想念着你。
你知不知道……
即使过了1个星期，
我还是感觉你的离开，我的心疼。
急了，找不到你……
那个时候，我一直在懊恼。
是时候说再见了呢，这一句……
我不想离开你……我想一直和你在一起……
让我感到十万个不舍得了……
最后，我还是转过头，向你说了再见。
挥了挥手，上了电车……
眼看你，离我，
又开始越来越远了……
你说过，不会让我一个人，
不会让我一个人哭泣，不会看着我痛苦……
看来是我，让你一次又一次地失望了，
我还是忍不住背着你，不断地哭泣。
不断地变得懦弱。
你改变了我，我改变不了我自己……
我不要变回去……我不要……。
 

Blog Post.

Thats the only you,

Who can understand me well.

 

31st Dec 2012

 

Its the last day of 2012.

Maybe I should just went back to the blogging life.

Next year.

Facing SPM,

the biggest and the most important exam in my secondary.

We were left apart...

its abit long story to tell...

I didnt know what just happened to me.

I hope he is okay right now...

sometimes,I need to improve a certain things.

However I just cant believe in myself,

ended up I did nothing,

and making trouble to people.

I wondered...

Maybe I should just sacrifice all this,

to make another person happier or what...

But no..

stop this idea silly AmeKoto.

the others wont be happy if you did that.

Right...?

 

But..

I scare..

to see all this...

why must we argure..

why must I making trouble..

why cant I become useful abit...

Rain could not tell me why...

Its not the only once time...

it had been happened alot of times...

And then,there was none...

心痛了……

我不晓得自己怎么了，
我也不想去想自己怎么了，
我只是单纯地想松一口气。
因为真的好累了……
其实你懂吗？我的心好痛，
我也不知道什么原因，我只懂我的心好痛，
怎么去抓也止不了痛，
好讨厌这样的我，好懦弱。
好久没下雨了……
我好想发泄，发泄得连自己也认不清自己。

现在的我到底怎么了？
我会无时无刻地想要你看我一下，
但是你却不知道……
我哭了，
被你看到了吗？不知道……
明明不想这样的，
为什么我会那么容易地就陷入这种状态？
我好想挖开自己的内心，
我开始变得越来越不了解我自己了。
我连呐喊也做不到，
人不够潇洒，办不到吧？
现在的你，
在哪里？做着什么？
我想你……
能回复我吗……？

失去。

你懂不懂那个等待的感觉，

是多么地痛。

这个世界有一种叫无形的恐惧，

恐惧一旦到达了最高点，就会开始不受控制地哭……

不想听，不想烦。

好讨厌你对我冷漠，

好讨厌你什么都不告诉我……

好讨厌你突然对我说这个……

我好担心你……

满脑子都是你，但是你不懂……

我也好讨厌我自己，

我安慰不到人，

我只能在旁边死死地哭。

心一直在痛，脑袋一片空白，

你也不懂……

可能我说话过分了吧……

.....??

I just wish it will be stop...

How if...

the feeling of heartache,

the feeling of tears dropping out from eyes...

every painful feeling of them,

had became a mistshap.

It just like a knife stabbing inside your heart.

Why does a human will have these stupid feelings...

they are disturbing me,

and it cant be heal...

Acting,is just like a fool...

However I am still fooling around.

I though...

I will be okay today,

but I am not...

I lied...

every of my speech,

full of lies.

Did I just done something wrong?

Could someone just slap me....

I just wish..

somebody can step into,

the black world,

without any lights...

Sunny days never glown,

the sun just hide behind the dark cloud.

Did I really need these feelings?

I dont...

But...

I know...

I treat myself like this,

is better than I tell.

If I tell,

the ending will end up with argurement...

Is it worthing?

I don't know...

There is nothing can make me calm now...

I hope...

I really hope..

You are here...

although,

we cant touch each other,

although,

it has a gaps blocking...

at least...

I can stop these useless foolish emotions.

I feel like...

I am an annoying people,

maybe its the truth...

雨后真的能天晴吗？

生活要是能无忧无虑，那该有多好……
但是如果是生活的无忧无虑的人，
那个不叫人了，那个是死物……
非生物……什么东西都不用去想。

担心，很痛……
在意，更痛……
我怎么了？要疯掉了，
要坏掉了……

不明。

失去很痛，等待更痛……

存在是什么？

对于一个人的存在感，我深感在意。

在意每一个人的存在感，

在意一些忽略我的人。

那一句，

好讨厌。

我，好讨厌。

存在感好低。

想得到别人关心，

却不敢对别人说发生什么事。

想得到别人的爱，

却忍着忍着不让别人知道我想。

我就是这样，矛盾又不直接。

对，我很讨厌别人家忽略，

很讨厌等待，等待，很痛。

痛了，不敢喊，不敢流泪。

只能默默地让他痛。

心，我真的很想挖你出来。

我要看看你，是怎么碎的，

想知道为什么你总是在痛。

你痛些什么……

人家只是在忙，没时间回复而已。

或是说人家都不知道你表达什么。

好像喊……

社交方面，我好差劲。

好像喊出来，

喊不出……我不敢……

又痛了……

有没有得到回复了……

好疼……

明明就很痛，

却硬着头皮也要说不痛。

好讨厌。

为什么我，总是自己拿苦来受……

This is me...

Waitting for you,and hoping something.

19th March 2012

Yesterday,I had been panic....

Panic for the whole day,until now...

Why??

I...flash back many memories..

Yup,maybe its true,

I dint have any childhood.

For my childhood,

I just know what is family problem.

Friends?I met some,

but every one of them had forgot me.

Its not because we are now secondary.

They forgot me since I met them about 1 years ago.

Time is running fast,

because of you.

I set a target.

I want to achieve on my study.

Till today,

I cant be acting happy anymore.

I dont know why,suddenly,

I felt down and down,

should I go to my bed and shout loudly now?

Tears,I really hate you,

luckly,you wont drop infront of people.

You will just show yourself to me,

when I was alone.

I felt lonely...

I started missing someone...

why????

In my heart,

full of painness,

full of question marks.

I hate..

the one who dont know how to communication.

The one who like to being alone,

but she doesnt want to be alone.

The one will get emo eveytime.

The one who easily drop her tears infront of herself.

Yea,

Thats me.....

Dont get why....

I wish what we can do,

is to live happily.....

11th March 2012.

I don't get why...

I cried easily nowasday,

thinking something negative.

What am I doing...

Is it that my heart is broken or what,

my core felt pain....

Why does tears won't stop,

I don't really get why.

What I wish is,

I wish to do myself with the best.

I am acting...

such a liar...

You are not alone,

I am always at your back to support you...

4th March 2012

The forth day of March.

Time is running fast,

its a new month,and exam is around the corner.

Yesterday just finish my Add Maths paper.

I like it very much,since every question is easy.

I am not showing off,just having my pay back in my effort.

Somehow,the me nowasday,was becoming weird.

I cried easily,when there is no people.

For you...

remember,

when you felt alone,I am alone too.

When you are missing me,

I am missing you too.

When you are emo,

I know it,because I can felt it too.

My heart will pain automatically.

I don't know why,

maybe it is also my 6th sense.

I won't cry infront of you,

it is because I dont want to let u worry about me.

Dont worry,I am always there to supprt you.

Although sometimes I am moody,

although sometimes I am sad.

No worries about me,

I will stay strong always :)

So tommorow is history and Bahasa Malaysia paper,

gotta run and do some revision now.

9年了……

有时候，人生不如意事十之八九。

3月1日2012年

我很期待的日子，等了这天好久。

也是我留下最不好的回忆的日子。

就是为了一个便当……

我在太阳底下曝晒了约2个小时，

我急急忙忙地跑出去找你，

我翘掉自己最喜欢的Add Maths的补习班。

全部都是为了你。

到最后，自己病了，你骂我，我不作声。

我什么都不理好了……

反正我出去找你，你认为是哥哥叫我出去找你。

反正我在家做家务的时候，你只会说我做得不好。

反正我去补习的时候，你说载我很烦。

我不明白，我哪里做不好了……

今年我明明是很有一股动力去好好读书。

我为了什么？

不就为了不让你看扁我吗？

经常拿我和别人比较，

我不理，我只知道，我自己有努力就够了。

但是没有人看到，

经常锁在房间里的我，

你们一个也看不到我在做什么。

有时候我很懒，因为我很累。

你是不会明白一天里面，

读了10节课的学生的累是怎么样的。

你也不会明白，每个学生面对考试，

所承受的压力又是怎么样的。

你只会说我什么都不会。

我的确什么都不会，什么都做不好。

这样你满意了吧？

或许你心里会在想，

我不应该存在这个家里吧？

这是你对我造成的负面影响。

9年了……

你给我这种压力，有9年了。

7岁在我面前闹离家出走，

几乎每一年都会发生一次。

算到来，

已经9年了。

或许是我前世欠你的吧……

我似乎病得昏昏迷迷了，

我不写下去了……

于是

抱紧你的时候，会感受到很多温暖。❤

2月19日2012年

还是用回华语来写博吧~我会写得比较有感触。

上个星期五，学校有一个同学离世了，

很悲伤，很难过。这件事，几乎震撼了每个人。

希望他一路好走，安息吧……

第六感，我真的很讨厌你。

每当有些不好的事情会发生的时候，

你总是让我全身发寒，冒冷汗。

不晓得为什么，我总是会和你唱反调，

因为我和你，真的很不合。

当我开心的时候，你突然让我有这样的感觉。

我会觉得很不自在，心不在焉。

不过这还是没有办法的事.....

今天，他又去国民服务了。

其实我交往这件事情，似乎每个人听了，

都觉得很惊讶，但是没办法，这是我的初恋...

这次他去NS要两个星期，本来要等一个星期已经是很痛苦的事了，

现在要等两个星期才能见面，

别误会，是网上见面，就是Webcam的意思，

因为我们触碰不到对方，做不到任何亲密动作。

所以算是很纯洁的交往方式。

虽然是网上认识的，但是不知怎么了，

每当聊天的时候，心弦不正。

不知怎么的，突然就被告白了.....

第一次是试探，我拒绝了。

心弦不正，我当做我自己生病了...

真的很好笑呢……

第二次会在想，认真吗？

于是又拒绝了……，

继续地心弦不正，我无视了。

第三次...非常感触……

我接受了，不知怎么地，就那么突然。

那是12月8日2011年，他开始去国民服务的前一天。

2封简单的简讯，里面充满了一些令人肺腑感叹的词语。

我控制不到了，我接受了...

于是，我的初恋开始了……

对方不在马来西亚，也不是华人，

对方是马来人，不会说马来话。

对方是新加坡人，英文非常好。

对方人并不是很帅，但是是个正常人。

对方宗教不是佛教，但是既然爱了，耐得了谁？

对方年纪大我很多，没办法，情是不分年龄的。

我在想什么？我不知道...

我只知道...

我爱到无药可救的程度了...

the me...the real me?

I'm worst,I cant smile like that...

Its Chinese New Year,

busy time ever in my life...

its even tired than schooling.

oh well...

nowasday...

I hav stuck inside my black world.

I dont know how to say so...

just..

I am thinking negative thing everytime.

My sense is stupid ever.

I hate my sense.

I am wrong....for always,

I did what...

I am...

I am such a liar..

I hate myself so much,

I hate the crying me,

I hate the lifeless me,

I am just me.

I did wrongly everytime,

and I never get to be forgiven everytime.

My life,

such like a dog....

yea,I am just I..

I,

such a sily one.

I,

such a bad one...

Chinese New year....

this is my new drawing =X

So Chinese New Year is around the corner.

Less preparation this year,

since everything had been prepared since December.

Busy life non stop,still the busy people here.

Maybe the new life should be like this,

help me a lot?I dont even want to know that.

And yeah,something happen from relatives stuff,

relatives,what a liar.

They even cannot trust compare with friends.

School-ing OTL

school has open =|

Its school again,new year,new class,new start.

New class 4Jade <<weird name,I know.

School change every class name from flowers' name into Gems' name.

Sudden thinkking of Pokemon lol...

Oh well,its nice to get a class I want.

The new headmaster change every rules of the school now,

rather not sleep in class now,since I am sitting the front seats.

Add maths,I dare to challenge you xD

4Jade is the 1st class of art stream,

its actually a science stream class last year,

because many of the student last year give up add maths,

so they change into art stream.

and now,Homework never ends lol...

-------------------------------------------

another cosplan...<<many cosplan

Koumajou Densetsu Kirisame Marisa

Mononobe no Futo

Shirai Kuroko

well well well well =|

money does not support many,

decided to go for KmjD Marisa first~

Thats all for now =D